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I was meeting a colleague for coffee. She wanted to introduce me to a potential new hire.

“You’re going to love this guy. He’s so nice.”

I half-joked, “I’m not too sure being ‘nice’ is an asset in the role we’re trying to fill.”

Sure, it would be…nice…to have an agreeable person filling the position…someone who isn’t confrontational. Someone who wants to get along.

That’s what we tend to mean when we say someone is “nice.”

“But will he be able to have the tough conversations?,” I asked. “To push back? That’s what we need.”

But being nice is not the same as being kind.

With hints of a frown, Sylvia said, “I thought we were trying to get rid of all the jerks.”

Costly Conflation

She was right; we did want to weed out the jerks. You know the type — those prone to verbal assaults. Those who repeatedly displayed a lack of respect for others. The ones who drove others to leave. Those who might even throw a chair.

Nice is a characteristic. A trait. Don’t get me wrong — there are aspects of being nice that are admirable, and I will vote for nice over rude. But I was interested in building something better — a team that practiced intentional kindness.

This is a disciplined decision.

For some of us it requires more practice and discipline than for others. But we can all get there…if we care enough.

Some think being kind means being soft — unable to have uncomfortable conversations…or unwilling to face difficult moments. A pushover.

But intentional kindness is not soft, and is often far from easy.

It signals an uncommon value-set that says whatever the circumstance, nothing is more valuable than a person.

. The decision to let this value proposition define behavior — even in the most difficult interaction — challenges present day norms.

This isn’t about winning through intimidation or watering down tough feedback. And it sure isn’t intended to suggest that being kind means I have to lower priorities or “give in.”

What we are suggesting is this:

  • Without respect to topic or circumstance, every encounter with another person should be driven by an understanding that nothing is more valuable than a human being. No investment produces a greater return than those we make in people.

This may feel radical, I know — some will say naive, or even silly. In a competitive, cut-throat world, turf must be protected. At all costs. There is no room for kindness.

But what if discounting kindness is one of the most costly mistakes we make?

What The Research Shows

In a recent TEDx Talk — How To Succeed Without Being A Jerk — I go as far as suggesting that even the simplest acts of kindness serve to differentiate. They feel so rare, while crass meanness and blatant disrespect feel like the acceptable order of the day.

In their July 2025 article for Harvard Business Review, Nicki Macklin, Thomas H. Lee and Amy C. Edmondson make the case for Why Kindness Is Not A Nice To Have…even in the rough-and-tumble world of the workplace.

For starters, companies that neglect kindness pay a price in terms of:

  • Increased employee turnover
  • Higher levels of absenteeism
  • Erosion of trust
  • Breakdown in team communication
  • Loss of time due to tension and conflict
  • Negative impacts on customer experience

On the other hand, research says companies that emphasize kindness have:

  • Stronger relationships
  • Better collaboration
  • Higher engagement
  • Improved retention

If this isn’t enough to make you rethink things, the authors dispel the idea that kindness is one of the so-called “soft skills.” They suggest that it can be taughtand even measured. It is an intentional act — not just “something we feel.”

And it should be high on any leader’s agenda.

The organizations that aspire to succeed and lead find a way to institutionalize kindness…even as they embrace AI.

An Instant Differentiator

But intentional kindness is more than a discipline. Few things can change the shape and tone of daily interactions more than one person who practices kindness.

So if you lament the erosion of decency…if you’re searching for a way to instigate a positive change wherever you live and work…make the practice of intentional kindness a priority.

It is as simple as treating others the way you’d like to be treated — a value many of us were introduced to while we learned to walk and talk.

As for Mike — the individual Sylvia was high on — turned out he was much better than nice, and he got the job.

A postscript: I am extremely encouraged by the early response to my TEDx Adams Morgan Talk. After hitting YouTube on July 8, it ranked as the 11th most viewed new talk in the world before the end of July. As of this publication more than 95,000 have tuned in. If you’re in this count — THANK YOU! I take this response as an indication that we are hungry for something better than the ruthless attitude that we are exposed to every day.

Anyone can become a successful business developer. Even a rainmaker.

I say this without reservation…knowing many will disagree.

Like Mindy did.

She was upfront, telling me the first time we sat down to discuss growing her practice that she just didn’t have the right personality.

“Networking events are worse than a root canal,” she told me. “And when it comes to talking someone into hiring me…I am not a salesperson.”

Mindy had bought into the idea that you’re either a born rainmaker, or you’re not.

Continue Reading If You Feel Like You Have To Become A Different Person To Succeed At Business Development, You’re Doing It Wrong

Do These Three Things To Rock Q-4 and Jumpstart 2025

Conventional wisdom for many professional service providers whispers that we’re fast approaching a moment when the story for this year will be written, and there’s not much that can be done to impact this year’s revenue picture.

Before you buy this idea, can we spend a moment rethinking?

Continue Reading Don’t Throw In The Towel On Your 2024 Goals


Don’t look now, but conversations are becoming increasingly rare.

The fact that there are plenty of attempts at messaging doesn’t mean any real conversations are taking place…

Just because there is measurable attention being paid to a given topic or hundreds of hours of talk devoted to a critical issue is no guarantee of progress.

Need a stark case-in-point?

Continue Reading Oh No! Not the same conversation…again!

The sentiment expressed by Vince Lombardi, the legendary former coach of the Green Bay Packers, has reached manifesto status — “Winning isn’t everything; it’s the only thing.”

At the other end of the spectrum is the antiquated idea derived from the Grantland Rice poem ‘Alumnus Football’ (1908) — “It’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.”

Though I’m usually up for a spirited debate, let’s stipulate that it is one thing to believe that winning is the point when we’re talking about our favorite competition.

But an almost blind obsession with finishing on top is far more ubiquitous than just in the games we play

The question is — when competitive juices drive the pursuit of a win at all costs no matter the arena, what is revealed about what we value most?

Surely there are important encounters where winning is decidedly not the only thing.

Continue Reading With deference to Lombardi, Winning is NOT the only thing

Conventional wisdom for lawyers suggests that we’re fast approaching a moment when the die for this year will be cast, and there’s not much that can be done to impact this year’s revenue picture.

Before you buy the idea that there is nothing to be done that might increase revenue this year — not to mention, jumpstart 2024 — can we talk.

Continue Reading You Still Have Time To Grow Your Practice This Year. Do These Three Things.

Wherever business development initiatives aren’t delivering ROI in the form of increased revenue, the problem often boils down to missing the target more often than not.

It is easy to do.

An entire industry has a vested interest in convincing you that getting your name out there amounts to smart business development. Once you make this leap it is tempting to buy the ads, sign up for the sponsorships, get the copy points and colors just right on your website, catalogue every capability…and then wait for the market to beat a path to your door.

If neither time or budget is an issue, and assuming your visibility campaign in some way differentiates you from everyone else — this might work.

But odds are you’ll over spend, waste time and miss connecting with any real targets.

Continue Reading When BizDev Efforts Fail To Increase Revenue, You Have An Aim Problem

  1. Can you name the target(s) key to your success?
  2. Do you know and understand the core concerns of your target(s)?
  3. Do you have a clear solution/answer for these concerns?
  4. How will you create visibility, deliver value and build trust with your target?

Whether you are marketing a professional service, selling a product or seeking support for a cause, four questions provide the framework for increasing revenue.

Continue Reading Four Steps That Will Increase Revenue

When was the last time you heard (or uttered) this phrase in a moment of consequence?

Reflecting, I’m fairly certain I’ve said “I’m sorry.” But that is not the same thing.

Sadly, I don’t remember backing away from a position, strategy or action, and thoughtfully acknowledging having been flat wrong…though there have been plenty of times when it would have been the most appropriate response. 

This blind spot comes with serious consequences.

Continue Reading I Was Wrong