I was meeting a colleague for coffee. She wanted to introduce me to a potential new hire.
“You’re going to love this guy. He’s so nice.”
I half-joked, “I’m not too sure being ‘nice’ is an asset in the role we’re trying to fill.”
Sure, it would be…nice…to have an agreeable person filling the position…someone who isn’t confrontational. Someone who wants to get along.
That’s what we tend to mean when we say someone is “nice.”
“But will he be able to have the tough conversations?,” I asked. “To push back? That’s what we need.”
But being nice is not the same as being kind.
With hints of a frown, Sylvia said, “I thought we were trying to get rid of all the jerks.”
Costly Conflation
She was right; we did want to weed out the jerks. You know the type — those prone to verbal assaults. Those who repeatedly displayed a lack of respect for others. The ones who drove others to leave. Those who might even throw a chair.
Nice is a characteristic. A trait. Don’t get me wrong — there are aspects of being nice that are admirable, and I will vote for nice over rude. But I was interested in building something better — a team that practiced intentional kindness.
This is a disciplined decision.
For some of us it requires more practice and discipline than for others. But we can all get there…if we care enough.
Some think being kind means being soft — unable to have uncomfortable conversations…or unwilling to face difficult moments. A pushover.
But intentional kindness is not soft, and is often far from easy.
It signals an uncommon value-set that says whatever the circumstance, nothing is more valuable than a person.
. The decision to let this value proposition define behavior — even in the most difficult interaction — challenges present day norms.
This isn’t about winning through intimidation or watering down tough feedback. And it sure isn’t intended to suggest that being kind means I have to lower priorities or “give in.”
What we are suggesting is this:
- Without respect to topic or circumstance, every encounter with another person should be driven by an understanding that nothing is more valuable than a human being. No investment produces a greater return than those we make in people.
This may feel radical, I know — some will say naive, or even silly. In a competitive, cut-throat world, turf must be protected. At all costs. There is no room for kindness.
But what if discounting kindness is one of the most costly mistakes we make?
What The Research Shows
In a recent TEDx Talk — How To Succeed Without Being A Jerk — I go as far as suggesting that even the simplest acts of kindness serve to differentiate. They feel so rare, while crass meanness and blatant disrespect feel like the acceptable order of the day.
In their July 2025 article for Harvard Business Review, Nicki Macklin, Thomas H. Lee and Amy C. Edmondson make the case for Why Kindness Is Not A Nice To Have…even in the rough-and-tumble world of the workplace.
For starters, companies that neglect kindness pay a price in terms of:
- Increased employee turnover
- Higher levels of absenteeism
- Erosion of trust
- Breakdown in team communication
- Loss of time due to tension and conflict
- Negative impacts on customer experience
On the other hand, research says companies that emphasize kindness have:
- Stronger relationships
- Better collaboration
- Higher engagement
- Improved retention
If this isn’t enough to make you rethink things, the authors dispel the idea that kindness is one of the so-called “soft skills.” They suggest that it can be taughtand even measured. It is an intentional act — not just “something we feel.”
And it should be high on any leader’s agenda.
The organizations that aspire to succeed and lead find a way to institutionalize kindness…even as they embrace AI.
An Instant Differentiator
But intentional kindness is more than a discipline. Few things can change the shape and tone of daily interactions more than one person who practices kindness.
So if you lament the erosion of decency…if you’re searching for a way to instigate a positive change wherever you live and work…make the practice of intentional kindness a priority.
It is as simple as treating others the way you’d like to be treated — a value many of us were introduced to while we learned to walk and talk.
As for Mike — the individual Sylvia was high on — turned out he was much better than nice, and he got the job.
A postscript: I am extremely encouraged by the early response to my TEDx Adams Morgan Talk. After hitting YouTube on July 8, it ranked as the 11th most viewed new talk in the world before the end of July. As of this publication more than 95,000 have tuned in. If you’re in this count — THANK YOU! I take this response as an indication that we are hungry for something better than the ruthless attitude that we are exposed to every day.