“I hate going to parties. I usually love having been.”
My friend was putting words to the dread she wrestles with, especially during the holiday season.
“It’s one gathering after another. And the first question from every person you meet is some variation of ‘so Rebecca…what do you do’ or ‘what are you up to these days.’ I never know how to answer that. If we could just skip all of it!”
She’s not alone. In fact, the consensus might be that even those who think they know how to answer the question, really don’t. Most of my adult life I was guilty of answering with a non-answer. “Just trying to stay out of jail.” While true, it was hardly responsive.
So this article is for Rebecca and everyone strolling into happy hours, dinner parties and even those family celebrations.
Five Ideas For Better Party Talk
- Avoid the quiet corner. Be proactive. You know the saying about the early bird. So be the first to ask the question. If you’re brave try something like, “a friend dared me to try to find out what the people I meet really find interesting. If you’re game, what’s the most interesting thing you’ve encountered this week?” Most people have never had anyone show any interest in what they find interesting. So if you stay engaged something magic will happen; the two of you will remember meeting each other.
- Make every conversation about them. Forget about being smart. The best way to let people know something impressive about you is to make the conversation about them. To accomplish this enter every room with three questions in your back pocket. The specifics are far less consequential than just being prepared with something; and of course they’ll change depending on the occasion. But to get you thinking, here are three bits of fodder: what’s the most interesting book or show you’ve come across lately?; where does dream travel take you?; what is the last piece of music you heard that moved you? You can, no doubt, come up with better ones.
- Channel your childlike curiosity. Be like the child who is eager to learn. Probe a bit. “Tell me more about that” or “What was that like?” Become an interviewer on a mission to discover the most interesting person in the room. Curiosity shows interest, and remember…you’ll likely run into far too many people that rarely feel seen or heard. You might just make someone’s day.
- Listen like the life of the interaction depends on it. Because it does. The good news is that listening will frequently reveal the best follow up question. Before you know it, a conversation might break out!.
- And when it’s time for you to talk about you, turn it into a story. If you’ve practiced 1 through 4, chances are people already think you’re pretty interesting. Don’t blow it. Consider how you might make your story something others can see themselves being a part of. For example, the speaking coach might say, “You know how so many people have a debilitating fear of public speaking? I help people get over their fear and feel comfortable expressing their ideas…from meetings with the PTA to a company stock holder meeting.” The person scared to death over an upcoming presentation at work suddenly sees a lifeline. Don’t reduce yourself to a label — “Oh, I’m just a speaking coach.” A storyline instigates conversation.
A Chance To Engage
My friend Rebecca is actually very good in social settings. She’s a terrific listener and loves to shine the spotlight on others. Once she got over feeling like the only answer to the what-do-you-do question is “I’m a lawyer,” her dread of the holiday parties changed.
Almost every interaction presents an opportunity to engage with another person…labels, positions and titles notwithstanding. Whether you think of it as networking, small talk, mingling or even prospecting, the three principles embedded in these five ideas will multiply the value of your connections.
- Make every conversation about the other person;
- Listen, because meaningful connection depends on it;
- A person is far more than a title, position or label (and that includes you).
You might even create a new relationship or two. And discover that, like Rebecca, you actually enjoy those holiday parties..