My mother was talking to the eighth grade me. I’d been trying to explain why I’d come home from school with blood on my shirt.

“Remember three things about bullies. The more they talk the more insecure they are…”

I wasn’t sure I bought that one, but okay…

She continued, “…they aren’t happy; and they don’t like themselves very much.”

Personally, I didn’t care whether the guy who’d elbowed me in the nose was happy; but for some reason, the part about not liking himself rang true. I remember thinking, ‘the guy never smiles.’

Since that eighth grade playground scuffle, my experience says mom was right. (Again.) 

Sometimes The Man In The Mirror Is The Bully

The way we treat others is a mirror. It reveals what we think of ourselves, and how we talk to ourselves in solitary moments…when no one is listening.

It’s not a new idea. The correlation between self image and how we treat others is present in numerous traditions, expressed in some version of “do unto others” and “love your neighbor as yourself.”

Could not liking one’s self very much explain at least some of the cruelty we witness…on the playground, in living rooms, in the town square?

There are clinical, academic and sociological takes on the question, of course. And we can learn from them, for sure. 

But at a person-on-the-street level, time increasingly convinces me that the happier I am with the guy I face in the mirror, the more likely I am to be a decent human being to my family, my colleagues, my neighbors…wherever they might live.

This isn’t about being blind to shortcomings or opportunities for personal growth.

It is about finding a way to be kinder to one’s self…to avoid punching one’s self in the nose. It is about reminding ourselves that none of us is defined by our shortcomings.

And that we are all in this boat. Together.

It is about being easier on ourselves. Because the wellbeing of our neighbors depends on it.

I have exceedingly bad days. Days where an awareness of my own weaknesses presses in with  force. Days when I don’t feel good about myself or like who I am.

Maybe you have similar days.

I know that when my displeasure at myself is at its peak I have little capacity to consider compassion for others.

And I’m more likely to be cruel.

The Right Conversation

Human decency begins with an understanding of the value of every person…wounds and all.

And now we’re back to the conversation with that guy I see in the mirror. 

I’m trying every single day to like him a little more…with all of the areas that can stand significant improvement. Not in a prideful or narcissistic way. But with an honesty that we desperately need to have with ourselves. An honesty that understands that while there is plenty of room for improvement, perfection isn’t in the cards..

In our quiet, alone moments, most of us should be easier on ourselves.

With this perspective we can catch a glimpse of our kinship — what might just be the root of human kindness. We might see what we share. And treat each other with the decency that every person deserves.

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