As a kid, he skippered a Naval LST in the Pacific at the height of that war to end all wars.

That’s where and how he grew up. Navigating the seas of war. Yet through the years I heard him share no more than a couple of anecdotes. My favorite is of the old warrior who, more than 50 years after the fact, tracked the skipper down to say thanks for a letter.

Each time a young sailor left the ship, the skipper wrote a letter to the young man’s parents. It expressed appreciation for service, focused on an admirable trait, and told the parents they should be proud of their son.

The old warrior wanted the skipper to know that the letter written to his parent’s decades ago sat framed on his mother’s fireplace mantel all of her life.

The Past As Part Of Our Present

If you read these postings regularly you may remember that Dad — the skipper — died earlier this year. Three current members of the U.S. Navy were at his grave site to honor his service. At the conclusion, one knelt in front of my sister, presenting the folded flag. There is no way I can express how moving the experience was.

Though he rarely spoke of it, there was never any doubt how much the memories were with Dad. I am certain there were unpleasant ones — it was war. But what he remembered most were those with whom he served. He cherished the relationships — their mutual investment in each other, and in the hopes and dreams of hundreds of thousands they would never meet.

Memories are the brain’s way of making space so that the past can become part of the fabric of the present.

On this Memorial Day I am reminded more than ever before that between the joy of beginnings and the hole in the heart that comes with loss, the only thing that lasts is what we invest in others.

Today — as we celebrate — we remember, and give thanks for the investments of all who have served, for those away from home and loved ones serving today, and for those who will serve tomorrow.

Yet, many times the individuals I most want to hear from — those whose thoughts and opinions influence me the most — are doing less talking than almost everyone around them.

The best leaders I know seem to have mastered the art of listening – to the point that they know precisely when to speak.

Those from whom I have learned the most about leadership almost always teach more by way of what they do than what they say. And lead by example.

There is a simple reason for this: listening is the key to the development of an authentic voice.

The Link Between Listening and Authenticity

Many may be skilled to varying degrees at managing process, directing and even navigating crisis. But when it comes to awarding trust and loyalty, tribes, organizations and communities value authenticity above almost everything.

And authenticity — the empathy that makes it possible to connect at a level that resonates — is born in the context of intentional listening.

Where leaders seems lacking, chances are good the art of intentional listening is in short supply, if not absent.

I was reminded of this thanks to a recent report in Business News Daily that ranks the failure to listen as one of the top reasons employees hate bosses.

In a given hour, we are inevitably drawn to the eloquent. In the short term, maybe even for a season, reputation or resume can demand a measure of respect.

But the leaders who inspire trust, loyalty and action — those who mentor tomorrow’s leaders, and whose teams would walk across burning coals to change the shape of their respective realities — these are the leaders who consistently speak at the right time, with an authentic voice.

This authenticity is the byproduct of an extraordinary skill. And is the leader’s tangible reward for practiced intentional listening.

Yesterday. December 14, 2012. September 11, 2001. April 19, 1995. The worst moments. Unthinkable realities. Inhumanity.

But in the midst of the April 15 bombing in Boston, we bore witness to poignant examples of the best of us. The first responders whose only objective was to bring aid. The everyday women and men whose instincts drove them toward chaos. To help.

The story was the same in Connecticut, at Ground Zero, in Oklahoma City, and in countless similar moments throughout history.

In the midst of unimaginable darkness, a source of hope and peace always seems to emerge — in the form of selfless acts, undeniable courage, compassion, and an insatiable need to give.

It touches everyone. For a season we’re kinder, more tolerant, searching for a way to help.

This is the best of us. Giving without expectation. Investing in the well-being of others.

Today, and in days to come, when the temptation is to focus on the worst, we will grow, survive and even thrive when we find ways to tap into those characteristics, thoughts, emotions and acts that represent the best of us.

Peace.

The golden sun, slowly dropping from view on a perfect horizon; the smell (and taste) of mom’s fresh-baked cherry cobbler; the eyes of a child in an early instance of wonder.

For most of us, a few experiences are deeply etched into the memory banks.  They conjure vivid memories that repeatedly nudge their way into the present, becoming context and fabric for the conversations of life — personal and professional.

The best of these stories — those that resonate — are not only born of personal experience; they tap into the experiences of others, becoming the threads that build dialogue and weave strong relationship.

And these stories endure.

My dad — Milton Fletcher — passed away Wednesday, March 20, six days after we celebrated his 88th birthday. Though never ready to say goodbye, his was a long life, well lived. Our family has already laughed until we hurt, and wept quietly as we’ve begun to discover the impressions he left burned into our hearts.

In recent days I’ve been reminded that the best stories — those that project larger-than-life-images and inspire action — are born and nurtured in relationship. And like relationship itself, new chapters continually emerge.

During Dad’s memorial service there was an open-mic period — a time when anyone wishing to share a story or memory was invited to do so. The entire time was affirming and inspiring. But all present heard a Milton Fletcher story none of us had heard before, as a past employee shared this account.

Milton was President of Rochester College. A student, having exhausted all financial aid possibilities, was unable to cover his bill. He was about to have to leave school. Unwilling to accept this eventuality, Milton approached  the college Business Manager, paid the balance due in cash, and swore the Business Manager to secrecy until after he (Milton) was “dead and gone.”

The Business Manager attended the Memorial so that he could tell that story. I’m grateful he was able to keep the promise of secrecy, and tell the story. I suspect it has been told at least a hundred times in the last three days.

Great stories speak not just of what, but of why. They transcend noise, and find that place of perfect resonance. They inspire. And they are not bound by time. This is why we love storytelling.

Whether advocating an idea or cause, marketing an enterprise, or bridging personal challenge, exponential return is paid on our investments in relationship.

For stories will be told.

Then someone figured out ones and zeroes. And things began to shift rapidly.

Seemingly overnight, what had once been the purview of shops able to invest in big machines and the real estate to house them, was changing.  Upstarts with nothing more than a desktop computer and laser printer began nibbling away at market share with something called “desktop publishing.”

The invasion wasn’t limited to print. Digital solutions were changing every facet of advertising, marketing and the related production. Even film was losing ground (remember Kodachrome and Ektachrom?). I had friends at Kodak who went from scoffing at the idea that anything could ever replace film, to arguing that film’s quality could never be matched, to wringing hands over declining sales and pending RIFs.

The change that began to disrupt markets in the 80′s and 90′s only grew more intense. Today a global economy, a shrinking world, increasingly diverse centers, social media, and smart devices are just a few realities that precipitate and contribute to constant change.

Welcome to the new normal.

While disconcerting to some, marketers, professional service providers and those possessing true entrepreneurial instincts should take heart; because anyone able to handle the unsettling nature, and navigate the changing landscape is poised to become a trusted voice.

What are the keys to occupying this coveted space?  Three things.

1. Build Communication and Development Strategies On A Listening Platform

There are at least two big reasons change is unsettling: it is often a corridor to the unknown; and it tests existing processes and values. (The irony is that testing these is the key to growth and development — witness the child daring to take that first step.) Intentional Listening changes everything. It accelerates learning, nurtures legitimate insight, and results in improved perspective.

2. Cultivate An Opportunistic Perspective

Perspective that is born of intentional listening is uniquely aligned to market place realities. While keenly aware of problems, pitfalls and risks, change management — not to mention, leadership — derives from a perspective that discerns opportunity.

3. Focus On Solutions

In the midst of high-consequence change the market covets solutions — to the fear of new unknowns, the pitfalls, and the risks — to the new realities that precipitate sleepless nights. Focus here (versus preoccupation with historic models, offerings and capabilities), and the market will pay attention.

Listen, cultivate opportunistic perspective, and deliver viable solutions; follow this roadmap, and you’ll find your practice thriving — even in the midst of the volatile new normal.

You see, my mother — the only person I’ve known personally that might approach sainthood status –repeatedly advised, “if you don’t have something nice to say, better to say nothing at all.” 

I’ll wager I’m not the only one that grew up hearing that advice (I’d even be willing to bet that at least a handful who occupy a seat in Washington, D.C. by virtue of a promise to serve grew up hearing similar advice.)

At the risk of being accused of too simplistic a perspective — imagine what Sunday news shows might sound like were that advice to be followed.

Silly, I know. But what if we were to take one small step; and, henceforth, refuse to label human beings? What if we just stopped — cold turkey? No more one or two word monikers; no more color codes or short clever phrases designed to segment, categorize and define.

How might dialogue and discourse change if we were unable to resort to short quips intended to communicate an entire philosophical stance, perspective, belief system and world view?

And let’s be honest for a moment; too often the intent when labeling ensues is to discount, belittle or shut down an opposing view. I can hear a chorus of moms’ voices now — “aren’t we better than this?”

What if we refused to take the easy cheap-shot?

What if, instead of posing and posturing designed to secure the last word, every interaction was intended to build a bridge to the next?

We might rediscover the rare arts of communication and collaboration.

We might learn that common interests and shared aspirations inspire creative genius and the pursuit of solutions.

Not victories. Solutions.

The challenges of communicating are abundant, whether the venue is Washington, D.C., an office on Monday morning, or the family room this evening. But even on the playgrounds of our childhood, name-calling and obfuscation of responsibility rarely resulted in solutions.

Some say we are too fractured, our goals and values too diverse. Matters of principle are punctuated with metaphors for war.

For one, I choose to believe the shared dreams of a community are big enough to bridge differences. Before you write this off as naive, spend a few moments looking deep into the eyes of a child.

Of course, I could be wrong; but what if we took mom’s advice for a season? What if, in place of a commitment to win one debate, the goal was on-going dialogue?

What if our commitment was to listen intently, determined to understand the aspirations we share.

The world will never run low on individuals with the ability to see all that is wrong, and eloquently articulate our most pressing problems. Perhaps we can’t do much about D.C. today; but we can determine that our conversations will be different, that we will look for the good, build dialogue around the positive, and relentlessly pursue the solutions.

CMOs, consultants and marketing gurus regularly weigh in on listening’s critical role.

These discussions invariably (and understandably) focus on the art of closing the mouth and utilizing the ear to maximum effect.

It is worth noting that the eyes can listen, too. The gifted business developers, communicators and leaders have learned the listening potential of careful observation.

Take A Look At What The Room Has To Say

Years ago I heard a fundraiser talk about how he would listen to what the room has to say. He wasn’t talking about the conversations, but about the family photos on a fireplace mantle (or the absence thereof). Or the memorabilia on an office book shelf. Or the art or reading material on display.

Fast forward a decade, and I was listening to a business development colleague share umpteen ways to “work a room.” The only one I remember (and use myself because I am terrible at the networking scene) is use your eyes to see what the room will tell you. Example: an individual standing alone at the edge of the room is probably as uncomfortable as you — and will welcome someone to talk to.

Turns out, listening with the eyes is as important as listening the more conventional way.

Today hit detective television dramas highlight the powers of observation. Sherlock Holmes is the standard, of course. And in The Mentalist, the ability to see what most people overlook is all it takes to bolster a “psychic’s” brand.

The Principle of Intentional Listening

There is a difference between simply being able to hear — to take in sounds — and deciding to use any measure available to connect. Whether using the eyes or the ears, effective listening begins with an intent to learn. 

The foundation of intentional listening is the realization that the most important elements of connection may have little to do with ones’ insight, product, or service. Communicating — marketing of a product, an idea or an entity — begins with connecting. And connection is about the audience.

It is really not complex. Less about me; more about the individual, audience, or market with which I wish to connect.

This might even be a workable recipe for effective relationships at almost any level. Listen, learn, connect more deeply.

The market is shaped by teams that move boundaries and redefine arithmetic.

Put another way — whether in sport or enterprise, successful teams are those whose measure is greater than the proverbial sum of its parts.

What are the key characteristics of such teams? 

I asked five colleagues, each with a track record of building teams, to share what they believe to be a single critical characteristic to team success. Their responses below provide a roadmap, not just for heads of marketing, but for anyone aspiring to lead, facilitate or contribute to a team that wants to effect change in 2013.

Steve Bell, Chief Client Development Officer, Womble Carlyle – On Linked In – On Twitter

Perspective Born of Self-Awareness

“I’m a Gallup strengths junkie, which may explain why when I observe successful teams, I invariably see individuals who understand both their own strengths and weaknesses, and the strengths and weaknesses of others on the team.  Subjugating individual ego, each member of these high-functioning teams instinctively knows how to step forward when his/her strengths are needed, and when it is time to step back and let the strengths of other team members shine.”

 Allen Fuqua, Chief Marketing Officer, Winstead PC – On Linked In – On Twitter 

The Identification of the Common Goal/Objective

“My key to any team is the common goal/objective — what is the target? What are we trying to achieve? Talent is not critical. Personality can vary widely. One process isn’t right for every situation. But once the goal is established, you can focus on how to attain it. The team’s ‘life experience’ — including successes and failures — contribute to the growth and maturity necessary to refining and realizing ultimate goals.”

Deborah Grabein, Director of Business Development, Andrews Kurth – On Linked In

A Culture of Accountability

“We tend to rely on leadership to influence the actions of the team to bring about the desired result. But what happens if someone or several team members choose not to do what is asked, and (intentionally or unintentionally) opt out? I’ve found that other team members, possessing a clear vision of the goal, will pick up the pieces and not let the tasks go undone. They may quietly encourage those not in the game to become responsible; or, new game-changers may actually rise up. This organic self-selection process often results in dynamic new teams. And finally, a culture of accountability shares in progress and success.”

Paul Grabowski, Chief Marketing Officer, Bracewell Guiliani – On Linked In

Quality Communication

“One characteristic I’ve found in any successful team is quality communication. No matter what the project or the size of the team, there must be a significant amount of quality communication. Recognizing that information comes in from varying directions and multiple constituencies, the term “quality communication” includes a mechanism for gathering, filtering and distributing to appropriate team members. When “the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing,” the result is almost always unnecessary work, delays, and in some cases, failure.”

Lisa Simon, Chief Marketing Officer, Brownstein Hyatt – On Linked In

A High Emotional Quotient

“A good friend and former boss told me once that the key to hiring good people is to hire happy people. She’s right. People who are emotionally healthy and relatively happy can work together to achieve a common goal. I’ve always believed that ideal team dynamics call for diverse personality traits. I still believe this is important; but this doesn’t mean the team can’t share the common trait of emotional health. One saboteur can wreck a team in an instant. And while strong leaders can get you through the sabotage, this is not a prescription for long term success. Get the ‘right people on the bus.’ It’s imperative.”

What Is Your Take?

With thanks to Steve, Allen, Deborah, Paul and Lisa for the jumpstart, now it’s your turn to weigh in. If you’d like to collaborate, contribute or just sound off, this is a formal invitation to be part of the conversation. What would you add to the exploration of the characteristics of a successful team? The Comment box is open for business.

The gift?  A clean slate.  A fresh start.  A new beginning.

Give it to everyone with whom you interact — family, colleagues, team members, clients and customers.

And give it to yourself.

Forget the past — successes and failures, hits and misses, promises broken and opportunities missed.  The preconceived notions and expectations that come with past experience inevitably inhibit our ability to imagine what might be.

A clean slate enables clear vision.  A new beginning fosters the capacity to dream.

This is, at least in part, why we celebrate the turn of the calendar and the promise of a new year.  Few things are more potent a change agent than the idea of a new beginning.

Beginnings come with renewed emotional energy and uncluttered perspective.  There is no quicker way to adjust the course of relationship or enterprise.

Want the benefits of a clean slate to last?  Try this:

1. Forget about making a case for or justifying decisions, actions and plans of the past.
2. Begin with and build upon shared aspirations.
3. To the degree possible, judge success based on the degree to which decisions and actions align with these aspirations.

Resolved to make 2013 more productive on every front?  Work with these basics and the slate will stay relatively uncluttered.

What would you add to this list?

But where are the peace makers?  Not the heads of state, or treaty negotiators.  Not those whose names will be associated with the global prize.

Where are the makers of everyday peace — in homes, schools, city halls, and corporate boardrooms — those who inspire dialogue and collaboration; and build bridges?

Are there any among us able to question process, probe perspective and debate outcome without engendering adversarial relationship?

In short, where are the leaders who are able to see diverse perspective, hear differing beliefs, erase ultimatums, and facilitate a dialogue that builds on shared vision?

The Condition

Wherever two or three gather — never mind three-hundred-million-plus — a difference in opinion is certain to arise.  Some are insignificant.  But dare to delve, and diverse perspectives are a certainty.  (An old radio talk show friend used to refer to volatile ground as The Big 4 — sex, religion, politics and rock-and-roll.)

I have always enjoyed vigorous debate.  The exercise is healthy.  The dialogue can be productive.  Unless lines in the sand or litmus tests render the debate a divisive and pointless exercise.

Look around.  Wherever progress is minimal (or non-existent) and every action polarizing, check the debate.  Chances are the conversations are contentious.

Meanwhile, long-term stability and progress almost always requires collaboration.  And a cooperative spirit rarely goes hand-in-hand with lines in the sand.

Three Keys To Makers of Everyday Peace

Anyone can be a peace maker.  Each of us can be a change agent.  Here are two keys.

• Makers of everyday peace value on-going dialogue above winning a single debate.  The goal is continuity — to keep the conversation going.
• Peace makers seek to understand as much as to be understood; conversion takes a backseat to gaining perspective; intentional listening becomes the baseline for communication.

Want to change a discussion that is going nowhere?  Build dialogue around these two keys.

We have opportunities each day.  Progress will seem slow; but blessed are the peacemakers.

Happy holidays.